On Early Morning F Train, Daily News Doomsday Predictions: Creatures From Sea to Test Earth’s ‘Protectors’ in Epic End Days Battle

WHAT IS IT ABOUT RONALD REAGAN that sparks space conspiracy theorists? Back in college, my freshman year random-pick roommate ended up being involved in the state chapter of the Mars Society and at one point, I remember him saying there was some crazy Reagan administration conspiracy to thwart efforts to send Americans to Mars.

And now, earlier this morning while riding the F train into Midtown Manhattan from Brooklyn for a 6 o'clock Acela Express en route Washington, D.C., came more maniacal Reagan-fueled space program machinations.

This chatter, uttered by a man who sounded (and looked) like Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny initially caught my attention somewhere between Delancey Street and Broadway-Lafayette:

Earth, wind and fire, I’m telling you. … The forces of the world. … They aren’t telling us. … They aren’t telling us!

Whoa! What aren’t they telling us?

So out came a nice Doomsday scenario from Vinny, who was talking to a guy who could have been Marlon Brando’s Don Corleone. I suppose this could have been a refashioning of some Xenophonian myth a la The Warriors or a History Channel special on Nostradamus or a Captain Planet episode involving Wheeler, Gi, Kwame, Linka and Ma-Ti battling evil toxic waste peddlers.

But the Gipper in conjunction with sea creatures and space missiles make it such a better tale.

And Vinny happened to be wearing a black jacket with the Daily News logo emblazoned on the back! So this has to be true. No?

So, did you know … ?

That all those missiles Ronald Reagan put in orbit as part of the Star Wars program against the Soviets are going to come back to haunt us?

“They” aren’t telling us that Earth’s orbit will come too close to the sun?

“They” intervened in the 1980s to stop Reagan from putting more missiles in space?

That there are still too many out there?

That those missiles will explode because of they’re getting too close to the sun?

That the toxic material from the missiles will change the chemistry of the world’s oceans?

That there are thousands and thousands of sea creatures we haven’t discovered yet?

That the change in oceanic chemistry will cause the sea creatures to come to the surface and attack our cities?

That “they” are here to protect us?

That if you aren’t trained as a Navy SEAL, “you aren’t gonna be ready” to battle the sea creatures in the end times?

That “you can’t do anything about it” … ?

Oh well. We must be in the end times. Happy Monday morning to you all.

Creative Commons photo via dorywithserifs/flickr